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This is technically a continuation of a two toot thread on my private masto about how I don't feel like I have any proper boundaries. I would like to make a larger post about it (or maybe edit this into one) if I feel like I have enough material. This post is sort of adjacent though.
Suddenly remembering a thing. A few years ago middle brother wanted to get rid of the Wii U (I think this was before any hint of the Switch was about) because at that time it'd still have some value. The proceeds would be split among the three of us. I don't remember exactly what the circumstances around us getting the Wii U, but I think it was a joint purchase. We never had that many games for the thing.
I objected saying I wouldn't have use for the money (bought very little stuff back then) but after weeks of insisting and pointing out I didn't use the thing either (hell, middle brother told me that I should buy games for the thing if I wanted to keep it around) we did get rid of it.
What I was really objecting to was that my brother tended to get rid of console stuff he had no use for himself. Games before this mostly, sometimes without warning. More often handing a large stack over and going "which ones do you want to keep?"
I'm a sentimental person. I don't like losing things, probably to a fault.
The one I remember was Blink The Time Detective for one of the Xbox consoles. I don't think I played it for a while anymore at that point but I had done so lots. I might have been the only one to play it more than a little bit, but I like having the option. I don't play much console stuff, and when I do it's in short (days to weeks) intensive bursts. Brother would trade away a stack of games and get something like 40 euros, which would go to a controller or something he'd use. They weren't things that benefited me. I just had to live with something gone in my life to further another's goal. I never said anything as such, but that was what I was objecting to...
I think the Wii U netted me some 80-110 euro, which I don't feel like it's worth it. My memories don't really have monetary value, and I don't want to sell my memories.
Suddenly remembering a thing. A few years ago middle brother wanted to get rid of the Wii U (I think this was before any hint of the Switch was about) because at that time it'd still have some value. The proceeds would be split among the three of us. I don't remember exactly what the circumstances around us getting the Wii U, but I think it was a joint purchase. We never had that many games for the thing.
I objected saying I wouldn't have use for the money (bought very little stuff back then) but after weeks of insisting and pointing out I didn't use the thing either (hell, middle brother told me that I should buy games for the thing if I wanted to keep it around) we did get rid of it.
What I was really objecting to was that my brother tended to get rid of console stuff he had no use for himself. Games before this mostly, sometimes without warning. More often handing a large stack over and going "which ones do you want to keep?"
I'm a sentimental person. I don't like losing things, probably to a fault.
The one I remember was Blink The Time Detective for one of the Xbox consoles. I don't think I played it for a while anymore at that point but I had done so lots. I might have been the only one to play it more than a little bit, but I like having the option. I don't play much console stuff, and when I do it's in short (days to weeks) intensive bursts. Brother would trade away a stack of games and get something like 40 euros, which would go to a controller or something he'd use. They weren't things that benefited me. I just had to live with something gone in my life to further another's goal. I never said anything as such, but that was what I was objecting to...
I think the Wii U netted me some 80-110 euro, which I don't feel like it's worth it. My memories don't really have monetary value, and I don't want to sell my memories.
Musing on affection
08/07/2018 12:36Someone asked last night to people how they prefer to do affection. I don't know if it's a direct answer, but I wrote a bunch last night.
( This goes to lewd-adjacent places, but not explicit. )
( This goes to lewd-adjacent places, but not explicit. )
Halt and Catch Fire
10/06/2018 19:51This is mostly just writing down the course of anxious breakdown (if that is a thing and not something I've made up) that occurred over the course of last evening and night. I'll say now that it's all extremely petty, so this probably ends up being good evidence of why to avoid me.
A handful of days ago I happened to notice that I suddenly wasn't following someone anymore on mastodon, which is fine. It's her right anyway. I don't know why but I have a guess, which is simply that I haven't been talking to her. I'm not certain though, so maybe I've done worse. If I did do something bad though, then I'm pretty sure I'll just make things worse trying to contact her. Maybe it was an accident. I need to know to relay my anxiety.
So that stayed somewhere on my mind for a day or three until yesterday they stopped following me as well. I'm pretty sure that it's not an accident anymore, but it's still not clear whether she's just cleaning out her follower list or trying to distance herself from me. Anxiety and the aforementioned stop me from asking. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it's been gnawing at me the entire time.
Then for extra sadness, I remembered someone who I lost contact with after they deleted their public-facing account. I only joked at their nonsense, so I don't feel like I'm in a position to go bother their more private account(s) but I know where to find them. I'm pretty sure there's a few similar cases where people move for whatever reason outside of my immediate vicinity and I lose contact. I let it happen. I don't feel like I deserve people's time. Sometimes I find out someone deleted their account and as far as I'm concerned they've disappeared. I don't deal well with that, as I tend to worry about why.
When I looked through my followers, there's barely anyone I talk to. There's people I've had one or two brief conversations with, and a lot of impulse follows and dead accounts. What I had of a social net is falling apart. I'm sure people unfollow me on occasion as they clean out their timelines. That last part I'm not sad about, but there's probably people I've managed to forget about because of it.
Just before I went to bed I decided I might as well do something else that has been generating anxiety for well before then (weeks, if not months) and messaged someone else that I haven't been talking to her simply because of my anxiety. I still haven't read the response (but will after I write this) but that night I felt it was enough of a mistake that she'd want me out of her life. I couldn't sleep well because of everything else either (a rarity for me, lucky that I am) until after I vented a bit more about it at around 2:30. That vent looks rather disjointed, so I'm sure it must have been worrying to whoever saw it.
I don't know why I'm this anxious about things, but it tends to manifest in ways that trap me mentally as I stew in further anxiety.
A handful of days ago I happened to notice that I suddenly wasn't following someone anymore on mastodon, which is fine. It's her right anyway. I don't know why but I have a guess, which is simply that I haven't been talking to her. I'm not certain though, so maybe I've done worse. If I did do something bad though, then I'm pretty sure I'll just make things worse trying to contact her. Maybe it was an accident. I need to know to relay my anxiety.
So that stayed somewhere on my mind for a day or three until yesterday they stopped following me as well. I'm pretty sure that it's not an accident anymore, but it's still not clear whether she's just cleaning out her follower list or trying to distance herself from me. Anxiety and the aforementioned stop me from asking. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it's been gnawing at me the entire time.
Then for extra sadness, I remembered someone who I lost contact with after they deleted their public-facing account. I only joked at their nonsense, so I don't feel like I'm in a position to go bother their more private account(s) but I know where to find them. I'm pretty sure there's a few similar cases where people move for whatever reason outside of my immediate vicinity and I lose contact. I let it happen. I don't feel like I deserve people's time. Sometimes I find out someone deleted their account and as far as I'm concerned they've disappeared. I don't deal well with that, as I tend to worry about why.
When I looked through my followers, there's barely anyone I talk to. There's people I've had one or two brief conversations with, and a lot of impulse follows and dead accounts. What I had of a social net is falling apart. I'm sure people unfollow me on occasion as they clean out their timelines. That last part I'm not sad about, but there's probably people I've managed to forget about because of it.
Just before I went to bed I decided I might as well do something else that has been generating anxiety for well before then (weeks, if not months) and messaged someone else that I haven't been talking to her simply because of my anxiety. I still haven't read the response (but will after I write this) but that night I felt it was enough of a mistake that she'd want me out of her life. I couldn't sleep well because of everything else either (a rarity for me, lucky that I am) until after I vented a bit more about it at around 2:30. That vent looks rather disjointed, so I'm sure it must have been worrying to whoever saw it.
I don't know why I'm this anxious about things, but it tends to manifest in ways that trap me mentally as I stew in further anxiety.
"cutie bat girl"
28/04/2018 17:09Something odd happened a week ago:
20-4-2018 and a while before:
I had no idea what was going on with me, but I had occasional feminine lapses. I thought at that time I might be genderfluid but with rather vague swings in feeling, thus difficult to be certain of.
21-4-2018:
While talking to Avery about things related to her transition I mentioned as an aside that I was having a particularly easy time going along with thinking as if I'm trans.
But then Avery suggests "maybe you're a girl today?"
A weird feeling came over me, pleasant and uplifting and joyous. I didn't know how else to describe it at the time. The feeling of joy flared up once or twice after that.
I was compelled to draw us in embrace after that.
I told a friend, Janet, about what happened that evening (sending here and Avery the drawing at about the same time) and she then asked if I wanted to be referred to as a girl for the day, which she then did and also occasionally for the day after. After that we tried a couple of days of girl and boy interspersed to see if it was genderfluidity. The feeling flared up occasionally at being called girl (and once at boy) though not every time and in decreasing intensity. Avery told me that was normal for "gender euphoria" as she called it, and that it's not an easy to get feeling. My guess as to why would be like loosening a rather tight belt - It might be because you let yourself be more comfortable after having been stuck behind something for however long.
Janet still calls me a bat girl sometimes and has been surprisingly patient and supportive about me voicing every standard worry and objection I raise to myself to the idea, angel that she is. I've had feelings of wishing I were a girl a few times since as well.
So I guess I like being called a girl now.
I'm glad I drew this (a scene from my and Avery's affectionate stuff that happened around that conversation) as something to remember the event by. I find that a lot of stuff online tends towards paving over older things with the new. I think messages on discord are grouped by minutes of ten as long as nobody interrupts you, but once a day or two has passed it's just the date. I believe I logged the conversation with Avery in notepad, so I still have rough estimates of what was said when. (up to a few minutes error between messages but always in order)
This is something has always happened, I suppose. Forum thread lists get longer as old posts are buried, but there's more hope of them being found again. Mastodon allows you to find out exactly when something was posted if you open individual toots, but otherwise it goes from "n minutes ago" to "n hours ago" to "n days ago" and so on. I feel there's a lot of context lost in doing so.
That tangent drifted off, but anyway: Although I probably won't ever need to know exactly when in the afternoon (or late morning) Avery said I was a girl, but...losing that information and having everything relegated to a date. This might not turn out all that important of an event, but I don't want to lose context.
I don't really want to lose things in general, but it happens. When that happens I tend to forget, or don't have anything to show for it.
As a conclusion: Feel free to call me a girl or a boy I suppose. I seem to favour girl though. I'm not sure I really like where this is going if it's going anywhere.
20-4-2018 and a while before:
I had no idea what was going on with me, but I had occasional feminine lapses. I thought at that time I might be genderfluid but with rather vague swings in feeling, thus difficult to be certain of.
21-4-2018:
While talking to Avery about things related to her transition I mentioned as an aside that I was having a particularly easy time going along with thinking as if I'm trans.
But then Avery suggests "maybe you're a girl today?"
A weird feeling came over me, pleasant and uplifting and joyous. I didn't know how else to describe it at the time. The feeling of joy flared up once or twice after that.
I was compelled to draw us in embrace after that.
I told a friend, Janet, about what happened that evening (sending here and Avery the drawing at about the same time) and she then asked if I wanted to be referred to as a girl for the day, which she then did and also occasionally for the day after. After that we tried a couple of days of girl and boy interspersed to see if it was genderfluidity. The feeling flared up occasionally at being called girl (and once at boy) though not every time and in decreasing intensity. Avery told me that was normal for "gender euphoria" as she called it, and that it's not an easy to get feeling. My guess as to why would be like loosening a rather tight belt - It might be because you let yourself be more comfortable after having been stuck behind something for however long.
Janet still calls me a bat girl sometimes and has been surprisingly patient and supportive about me voicing every standard worry and objection I raise to myself to the idea, angel that she is. I've had feelings of wishing I were a girl a few times since as well.
So I guess I like being called a girl now.
I'm glad I drew this (a scene from my and Avery's affectionate stuff that happened around that conversation) as something to remember the event by. I find that a lot of stuff online tends towards paving over older things with the new. I think messages on discord are grouped by minutes of ten as long as nobody interrupts you, but once a day or two has passed it's just the date. I believe I logged the conversation with Avery in notepad, so I still have rough estimates of what was said when. (up to a few minutes error between messages but always in order)
This is something has always happened, I suppose. Forum thread lists get longer as old posts are buried, but there's more hope of them being found again. Mastodon allows you to find out exactly when something was posted if you open individual toots, but otherwise it goes from "n minutes ago" to "n hours ago" to "n days ago" and so on. I feel there's a lot of context lost in doing so.
That tangent drifted off, but anyway: Although I probably won't ever need to know exactly when in the afternoon (or late morning) Avery said I was a girl, but...losing that information and having everything relegated to a date. This might not turn out all that important of an event, but I don't want to lose context.
I don't really want to lose things in general, but it happens. When that happens I tend to forget, or don't have anything to show for it.
As a conclusion: Feel free to call me a girl or a boy I suppose. I seem to favour girl though. I'm not sure I really like where this is going if it's going anywhere.
No idea how long this one will be. Probably quite short.
A couple of days ago I had another emotional outburst, which I think makes three so far? There's the smaller on in the autism post, the one that my first post was part of, and this recent one. I think I've been on Mastodon for about 3 months?
Notably, all three so far have for at least some part involved me trying to guess at the reactions of others. This isn't much of a revelation to me, but more interesting is some of the language employed: in the autism post I described myself as "bitching" and the hovertext for the text I wrote recently (posted as a screenshot of notepad) reads "An awful bit of whiny [...] text."
One thing that occurs withs autism (and probably other things as well) when you're diagnosed at a young age is that there is certain narrative about the condition. If it's not explicitly stated during therapy/treatment it tends to creep in at some point. It may have been exarcerbated by looking up stuff later myself, as I can't remember specific moments from childhood but I do have some feeling that it was present at that time. In this case I'm talking about "Autistic people lack theory of mind and empathy". That stuff stuck.
In recent years I've started making efforts to talk to people more. Being lonely isn't the most pleasant of things. I think I'm doing it quite well so far. Another bit of language I've noticed is I think I considered describing myself as leeching off others (similar sentiment to the bit at the beginning of the autism post) and well, you've read the title of this.
I think what's going on is that if (a big if) I lack the theory of mind/empathy as asserted above, then any social interaction I do is both effectively mimicry and only for selfish ends. Doing this I will eventually end up hurting people. I don't think that is true though, so there's probably some shift going on in my mind. Ironically, the earlier bitching/whining remarks seem to stem from a desire to help. I do want to try and help people. I can't really help them with many of their problems anyway, but when I'm the one solliciting help from them I'm just making things worse on them. I don't think that quite all there is to it; there seems to be some genuine feeling of inferiority in there as well, but I don't know what goes on with that at the moment. Food for thought.
Forums are probably the easiest given the generally accepted time between replies. That doesn't really mean a whole lot if at first you're too scared to look at people's replies, but I've been better at that. That being said, I still took 4 days to make a thread and haven't looked at the few replies, since I feel like I made a dumb thread. I think that's been three days since posting now. Eventually I'll get to it?
Mastodon at least works on the understanding that one can take a little while to answer since people are actually doing things and timezones. I've not seen a lot of interaction about posts older than a day though, so it feels like a much more leniently timed chat. I've started making the occasional post-and-run in actual real-time chats as well.
At least I have so far not yet burnt trough anyone's goodwill even if it feels otherwise sometimes. I wonder how many more of these outbursts it will take for that to start happening. On the recent one a much-appreciated response talks about trusting others and while I think trust is starting to grow, the large paragraph above suggests I don't trust myself quite yet either. One line from my Mastodon bio is "Please don't assume I ever post or ask anything with ill intent" which I knew full well was only there for my sake when I wrote it. I keep feeling like people are more negatively judging of me than they actually are, and I'm pretty sure that's reflecting myself on them.
Still, trusting people (and using direct contact for this stuff as she suggests as well) might lessen how often this happens.
Still, trusting people (and using direct contact for this stuff as she suggests as well) might lessen how often this happens.
Talk of autism
14/01/2018 11:49Below the cut there are first a few paragraphs relating to the previous entry, and then goes into the proper topic - autism as it relates to me (eventually, the first bit is complaining about someone else). I get into describing a suicide attempt at some point in the latter half. This entry is also loooooong
This is a (mess of a) post in which I try to explain some of my thought processes. It's a bit rambly and I like making sentences as long as I can reasonably (as judged by me) make them. There's also two topics and I go back and forth a lot.
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