batelite

Or: I don't understand gender all that well but occasionally I feel nice.

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12-2-2018:

I make a very vague post on Jul in a thread called "Have you ever thought about being another gender?" that more or less goes "It's a lot of mixed feelings and I'm pretty sure people will hate me if ignorant me elaborates." I'm assured that the latter isn't the case, and someone offers to talk in private. I don't reply, as I have a bad habit of doing.

14-2-2018: (past midnight, so technically the 15th)

I take up this person on their offer, at first by sending five toots (which i just found again for this) explaining over on Mastodon. The first toot was just setting up why I chose to talk there and saying it may ramble a little, and from the others:

- I linked to my previous entry here (Weird and Insecurity. I really let this place rot, haven't I?)

- Although I don't act masculine, I don't act feminine either since I wouldn't dare commit to it.

- It's difficult to figure out brain stuff since autism inevitably gets in the way, maybe.

- I was (am?) worried that what I was feeling was pretty much just mimicry. I'm surprisingly malleable in interests;

- I am also afraid that what I'm experiencing is so small that it's an indirect insult to others' feelings if I talk about it.

- There's also a quote from an entry I haven't finished, but was relevant at the time:

"I seriously need to stop going on under the assumption that some people are constantly tired of my shit, and that one wrong thing I say is enough for them to stop wanting to talk to me. It's not true (that I know of) and it's not helping interacting with these people."

(That feeling has receded as far as I can tell. It's pretty much the only thing from that entry that I feel is remotely worth posting)

- I didn't feel much either way at the time.

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The next day (15-2) I DM with this person more directly. At first it's a bit of monologueing back and forth. I elaborate that I feel various ways at time (somewhat masculine, feminine or androgynous/undifferentiated) and a worry that I might be fetishizing stuff and that I doubted that last part. From their response:

0: They didn't think it was a fetish.

1: I apparently have an alarming lack of privacy.

2: I use daring a lot as if fearing judgement.

3: I might (might) be "having a stronger reaction than you think" since I hide a lot of myself from the environment.

As far as privacy and judgement are concerned, I don't actually have that much issue keeping stuff online separated from offline. I do feel like I get judged on everything though, most often by my brother. Even eating fucking vegetables. (Something I've been getting better about.) I think I brought this up earlier already, but there is some resistance against anything out of the ordinary in my family. Gay and bi and lesbian they know and somewhat understand (more a case of disinterest than anything else), but anything more non-standard (like say, trans people or particularly exotic fashion) seems to be met with confusion. Not that they get exposed to this stuff much outside of maybe TV.

I don't notice anything particularly malicious about their reactions.

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There's some talk/assertions online about how clothing and activities and whatnot are not tied to any gender (or any sex, considering that's what most of society cares about) and that might be fine and all, but it doesn't leave me with anything to stand on. I have disparate crumbs of stuff. Individual memories and episodes of feeling a certain way. I remember somewhat distinctly suddenly disliking a Barbie I had as a kid because my brother said those were for girls. (I was oblivious to that.) I know that (almost) every time if the choice doesn't impact anything else I'll play as female characters.

It's all seemingly superficial, but maybe that might be what the "stronger reaction" from earlier meant; If I don't do anything superficial that (to me, still) is feminine and try to make that not a big deal then I'm probably repressing potential deeper stuff even harder. Then again, as they noted, it might not be anything special.

The person suggested I look up genderfluidity among a few others depending on my situation. I tried a little with genderfluid and sadly, haven't bothered with the others. I think if it is anything, it would be that...or possibly...?

Writing this is giving me the strongest feeling towards feminine I have had in months. I think. I don't know what exactly what feeling like (being) a woman would have to look like beyond the parts and items associated with women, because that's all I seem to get myself.

(That was the bit I was worried about)

I found a pair of earrings again that I know I've looked at for a while. I've never worn any or had my ears pierced, but that doesn't seem to matter. I'd still like to try, and I feel like I might actually be able to voice that now. Probably not so much anything else. Other stuff (and even that) feels like it'd get noticed too much. Occasionally my family jokes about putting in a skirt or a dress or whatever. I usually don't object much and the joking continues for a bit. I don't think they realize that I'm not entirely joking.

I don't know if I was going somewhere else with this.