Burden

[batelite]

This is a (mess of a) post in which I try to explain some of my thought processes. It's a bit rambly and I like making sentences as long as I can reasonably (as judged by me) make them. There's also two topics and I go back and forth a lot.
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I'm writing this first bit (with some things like this altered/added afterwards) after having just sent someone a message over on Mastodon that contained a rather long sentence describing a feeling I have using the content warning (abbreviated as CW) part of Mastodon. I only had 500 characters including the text of the CW, so I might not have used the best wording or gotten my point across entirely. It was the third of four posts, and while the first two were emotionally/cognitively relevant as well this one had my eyes well up a bit.

 

(She just did something of a response or a like or whatever. I'm sure as hell am not going to check right now)

 

The point I was trying to make was regarding how severe something has to be for a CW to be appropriate. I noticed the person in question sometimes makes posts that are mildly sad or just intentions to do better and then stick them behind a CW, and I was wondering why. I have so far made some posts behind a CW about (mostly) anxiety and my perpetual inability to read other people online combined with a mental habit of assuming the worst of the reactions of others.

 

That last bit has been alleviated considerably by the time I've spent on Mastodon so far aside from one person. Rationally I'm sure she's been too busy or disinterested or too exhausted or couldn't be bothered to respond (or another reason entirely), but part of me is certain at this point that they think I'm bad and/or an idiot and blocked/muted me but I haven't noticed. I don't know if one is informed of being blocked or muted. Also if you're the person I'm talking about, please don't feel bad or attacked and especially not responsible. I can't blame you for my or my brain's doing.

 

Back to the CW stuff (that was meant to be one sentence, not one paragraph): I certainly understand that people don't want or are able to deal with negative shit. On the other hand I've used CWs in a sort of "don't pay attention to me/this" sense, which I don't actually mean. I have not yet made any post that I absolutely didn't want a reaction to. (well... there are some I immediately regret sending right after I sent them, but that's the mental habit) However, and this is why I suppose I took slight issue with the way the other person was using them, it feels to me like this is a way to shove all the unpleasant shit somewhere people can ignore so I'm not a burden to anyone.

 

Because the thing I absolutely don't want to be is a burden. Social interaction should include sadness though, shouldn't it? I suspect that it has become standard for people to assume bad stuff shouldn't be responded to but reminding people seems needy (a different(?) kind of burden) or disingenuous.

 

By the way, in regards to wanting reactions - I don't think that likes should be much else than a "I want to aknowledge the existence of this or encourage it but don't have anything to add" or a "I sympathize with you" and this is often enough for non-questions. Likes have been made out as a thing to be desired though, rather than common shorthand. The gamification of social interaction in that sense is awful to me. The thing is, I can believe that someone will read the stuff I write but without some form of confirmation I can't tell if anyone actually did. On the other (more valid) hand, confirming everything would be both exhausting and probably reduce the mechanism by which it is done to meaninglessness.

 

Yes I go on tangents often, but all this is interwoven anyway.

 

I suppose I could do the worst thing possible and take a recent thing as an example of my thought process. This was a case where I asked a question in a slightly different place/format than someone wanted since the question was more me trying to probe the person's opinion and boundaries.

 

I haven't gotten a reaction, so I'm now wondering if I went too far already. It was already one I went back and forth over and then regretted afterwards. Might be that she forgot. Might be that she thought it wasn't worth responding to. Might be that she didn't see it amongst all the other stuff. Part of me thinks at she hates me. I could go and try again, maybe more direct this time, but if she's blocked/muted me by now they wouldn't see it and otherwise I might just make it worse.

 

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The is the bit that is written the day after. Somewhat obviously, I've read the response now.

 

What I think struck me about her posts was that besides being more easily ignored, I don't make posts just for me, and I'd like to talk to people about some of this stuff (not immideately of course, I'll "hide" first for at least half an hour as if the other person is more threathening the moment after I post or they respond. See also that standalone comment in the first half of this) as long as people are capable and willing. I don't know how boundaries on that sort of stuff usually work or are assumed by default. I also don't know how you'd go about establishing that sort of thing.

 

A couple of times now I had the reason I'm trying to explain in my mind and then they just escape me again. I think I'm not actually getting to the point I was trying to make here or to the person I wrote the original message to.

 

I don't want to look happier or more capable than I am but there's no way I can justify having random people put up with my shit either. I would try and see where the boundaries on that end, but asking about boundaries and how comfortable people are with things seems to me something that might waltz over a boundary of its own. I don't think this is technically a catch-22 but it's close.

 

What I think I was trying to explain with the second topic is, there are a couple of things going on:

 

-I don't have a whole lot of confidence in either myself or my ability to read social situations. I try to mitigate the latter by apologizing for a lot of stuff in advance.

 

-Even though I so far have not knowingly done anything wrong (at least on Mastodon) I have some feeling that everyone is not really hostile but very judgemental about everything I do. That last point is, I'm sure, projecting how I view myself upon others (On the other hand without a good understanding of what someone is like I don't have much else to go on.)

 

-Also, I usually remember the things I said/other recent interactions with people. I tend to assume that they do as well, and the ways I can imagine them having reacted negatively to previous things compounds the harshness. I don't know whether or not they remember or care of course, but I assume they do since I do as well.

 

-That last point makes it sound like I'm vain as well. Great.

 

-I couldn't possibly tell anyone about any of this, since that'd just be more reason to shun me. I don't know why anyone'd bother with me when I spill my internal thought structures at inappropriate times a propos of pretty much nothing.

 

-...and at this point in the thought process the doubt has stacked often to two layers, possibly three.

 

  

I'm not really feeling like posting this anymore, since I'm certain that one person won't appreciate being talked about behind her back and another won't appreciate being shat upon.

 

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As an addendum on day 3, I guess the context of this is I want to try having more meaningful conversations with people coming from being sort of an answering machine that randomly pops in every now and then. I just have no idea how to go about it, but this sort of thing seems to come naturally to everyone else and making mistakes inevitably ends up hurting people.