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Halt and Catch Fire
This is mostly just writing down the course of anxious breakdown (if that is a thing and not something I've made up) that occurred over the course of last evening and night. I'll say now that it's all extremely petty, so this probably ends up being good evidence of why to avoid me.
A handful of days ago I happened to notice that I suddenly wasn't following someone anymore on mastodon, which is fine. It's her right anyway. I don't know why but I have a guess, which is simply that I haven't been talking to her. I'm not certain though, so maybe I've done worse. If I did do something bad though, then I'm pretty sure I'll just make things worse trying to contact her. Maybe it was an accident. I need to know to relay my anxiety.
So that stayed somewhere on my mind for a day or three until yesterday they stopped following me as well. I'm pretty sure that it's not an accident anymore, but it's still not clear whether she's just cleaning out her follower list or trying to distance herself from me. Anxiety and the aforementioned stop me from asking. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it's been gnawing at me the entire time.
Then for extra sadness, I remembered someone who I lost contact with after they deleted their public-facing account. I only joked at their nonsense, so I don't feel like I'm in a position to go bother their more private account(s) but I know where to find them. I'm pretty sure there's a few similar cases where people move for whatever reason outside of my immediate vicinity and I lose contact. I let it happen. I don't feel like I deserve people's time. Sometimes I find out someone deleted their account and as far as I'm concerned they've disappeared. I don't deal well with that, as I tend to worry about why.
When I looked through my followers, there's barely anyone I talk to. There's people I've had one or two brief conversations with, and a lot of impulse follows and dead accounts. What I had of a social net is falling apart. I'm sure people unfollow me on occasion as they clean out their timelines. That last part I'm not sad about, but there's probably people I've managed to forget about because of it.
Just before I went to bed I decided I might as well do something else that has been generating anxiety for well before then (weeks, if not months) and messaged someone else that I haven't been talking to her simply because of my anxiety. I still haven't read the response (but will after I write this) but that night I felt it was enough of a mistake that she'd want me out of her life. I couldn't sleep well because of everything else either (a rarity for me, lucky that I am) until after I vented a bit more about it at around 2:30. That vent looks rather disjointed, so I'm sure it must have been worrying to whoever saw it.
I don't know why I'm this anxious about things, but it tends to manifest in ways that trap me mentally as I stew in further anxiety.
A handful of days ago I happened to notice that I suddenly wasn't following someone anymore on mastodon, which is fine. It's her right anyway. I don't know why but I have a guess, which is simply that I haven't been talking to her. I'm not certain though, so maybe I've done worse. If I did do something bad though, then I'm pretty sure I'll just make things worse trying to contact her. Maybe it was an accident. I need to know to relay my anxiety.
So that stayed somewhere on my mind for a day or three until yesterday they stopped following me as well. I'm pretty sure that it's not an accident anymore, but it's still not clear whether she's just cleaning out her follower list or trying to distance herself from me. Anxiety and the aforementioned stop me from asking. I don't know why it bothers me so, but it's been gnawing at me the entire time.
Then for extra sadness, I remembered someone who I lost contact with after they deleted their public-facing account. I only joked at their nonsense, so I don't feel like I'm in a position to go bother their more private account(s) but I know where to find them. I'm pretty sure there's a few similar cases where people move for whatever reason outside of my immediate vicinity and I lose contact. I let it happen. I don't feel like I deserve people's time. Sometimes I find out someone deleted their account and as far as I'm concerned they've disappeared. I don't deal well with that, as I tend to worry about why.
When I looked through my followers, there's barely anyone I talk to. There's people I've had one or two brief conversations with, and a lot of impulse follows and dead accounts. What I had of a social net is falling apart. I'm sure people unfollow me on occasion as they clean out their timelines. That last part I'm not sad about, but there's probably people I've managed to forget about because of it.
Just before I went to bed I decided I might as well do something else that has been generating anxiety for well before then (weeks, if not months) and messaged someone else that I haven't been talking to her simply because of my anxiety. I still haven't read the response (but will after I write this) but that night I felt it was enough of a mistake that she'd want me out of her life. I couldn't sleep well because of everything else either (a rarity for me, lucky that I am) until after I vented a bit more about it at around 2:30. That vent looks rather disjointed, so I'm sure it must have been worrying to whoever saw it.
I don't know why I'm this anxious about things, but it tends to manifest in ways that trap me mentally as I stew in further anxiety.